


you make me happy when skies are gray

by ClockworkDinosaur



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, Post-Sburb/Sgrub, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-26
Updated: 2018-03-26
Packaged: 2019-04-08 14:25:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14107305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ClockworkDinosaur/pseuds/ClockworkDinosaur
Summary: the feeling of blood on her hands never really went away





	you make me happy when skies are gray

**Author's Note:**

> djksnf dramatic summary time I guess
> 
> anyways I wrote this while sad at 1am and im posting from mobile so I hope this is Okay lmao
> 
> EDIT: I'll fix the font as soon as possible oops  
> EDIT 2: I only made things worse I'm dying squirtle. anyways I'll fix the formatting too when I can  
> EDIT 3 (god.): FIXED THE BULLSHIT ENJOY

The sound of glass shattering had Rose on her feet in less than a second. Her feet didn't touch the ground as she hurried to the kitchen, heart pounding and breath caught in a painful lump in her throat.

The early evening sunlight glinted off the appliances and reflected shining spots onto the pastel green wallpaper. It was clear Kanaya had just begun to prepare dinner- a job Rose had gladly let Kanaya take over fully. She was dressed simply and comfortably, still wearing the same skirt she had been gardening in judging by the spots of dirt near the knees and on the hem. Kanaya's back was towards the door, her elbows still bent as if holding the plate that was now shattered at her feet. Still hovering to avoid the broken glass, Rose hurried to her side. Kanaya did not react as Rose took her hands.

Kanaya's face was blank. Jaw slack, eyes unseeing and empty as she stared downwards. There was blood on her hand, deep jade smearing across gray skin from a tiny cut across her finger.

“I'm sorry,” she said, her voice so small and young.

“It's okay, what happened love?” Rose asked, forcing her tone into something calming while her hands shook. Kanaya's eyelids fluttered slightly in response to Rose's question.

“I...” Kanaya trailed off, her face still totally devoid of emotion. Rose was terrified as she lifted Kanaya slightly, carefully, and brought her into the living room. This wasn't normal, something was very wrong and Rose's stomach churned with anxiety. The rational part of her brain whirred and drew conclusions, but she pushed them aside. Now was not the time to analyze.

Kanaya's eyes were closed as she sat on the couch, hands squeezed shut and lips tight.

“I'm sorry,” she said again, miserably. “I'll...” she trailed off and then suddenly she was crying.

Rose froze. This was so sudden, so terrifying. Only a moment passed before Rose pulled Kanaya close, letting her sob into her chest while she rubbed circles into her back.

It seemed like hours before Kanaya pulled in a hitching breath and rubbed her face, pulling away from Rose with an almost guilty expression. She looked pale, her skin splotchy and eyes darkly rimmed.

“I don't know what came over me,” she rasped. “Forgive me.”

“Kanaya, did something happen? You know you have nothing to apologize for, my dear. Talk to me,” Rose urged, taking Kanaya's still-shaking hands.

With her voice shaking and words hesitant, she began speaking. “I... Fuck. I'll admit it seems rather silly now but... I remembered my lusus. Her blood on my hands. Then other blood. I've seen so much blood, Rose. A rainbow drinker becomes accustomed to it eventually I suppose, but I just keep remembering the blood I've spilled with my own hands.”

That tiny cut on her hand had already scabbed over, the green blood wiped away. Her face was drawn, so worn and exhausted from her breakdown. It was obvious she had been agonizing for longer than she had let on.

“It was the nature of the society I was raised in,” Kanaya went on. “I know this logically. But here, in this world we created... I can't help but feel that I am a monster.” Her voice goes even lower when she said, “There is so much blood, Rose.”

“Kanaya...” Rose started, but she had no idea where to begin. The utter helplessness on Kanaya's face was worse than the blankness. She took a deep breath and tried again.

“You did nothing more than what it took to survive,” she said softly. “I know you. You are a kind person who was put through the worst experience someone your age could endure. Betrayal, bereavement, suffering... You were a child, Kanaya. Your world and the game didn't care what they did to you. You could have hardened under it all, but you didn't. This world will never understand what you went through, but that doesn't mean what you did to survive isn't understandable.”

Kanaya listened silently as Rose faltered and struggled for words. There were a million things Rose wanted to say but lacked the tact and eloquence to communicate. More than anything, she wanted Kanaya to know everything was okay, that Rose was listening, that Rose loved every aspect of her irrevocably.

“It takes time to get though things like this but you aren't alone, okay?” Rose finished, despite the hundreds of other platitudes on the tip of her tongue. She wondered if she was truly any help at all; for all of her past posturing as an armchair therapist she was really terrible at actually helping anyone.

But Kanaya looked at her, eyes watering slightly again but her lips pulled up into the faintest of smiles.

“Thank you. I suppose I'm still trying to remember that. It's not as if I wrought bloodshed wherever I went but sometimes I just remember that many people in this world go through their lives without ending a single life. It's not the world I was born into and never will be, which is truly for the best, but I can't help but feel like an intruder because of it.”

She sounded much calmer now, but the bleakness of her words was chilling.

Rose wrapped her arms around Kanaya and said, “I know. It is so different from what was left behind, but there's is a place for us here. We created it and it welcomed us. You belong here, you've earned it for the misery you've endured.”

“Perhaps,” Kanaya conceded. “I would love to believe that fully one day.”

“And you will,” Rose promised. She kissed Kanaya lightly on the cheek as she stood. “I love you with all of my heart, enough to fill this universe and all others we've passed though. I swear to you that no matter how you feel, you are safe and loved and wanted here, okay?”

Kanaya managed a weak smile and squeezed Rose's hand.

“Thank you, sunshine. For everything.”

Rose smiled, placing a palm against Kanaya's cheek. Her cheeks were still blotchy but that numbness was gone from her eyes, replaced with a growing warmth that soothed the fear in Rose's chest. “Think nothing of it, my dear. You sit here and relax while I handle dinner, okay?”

“So you'll be ordering pizza then?”

“Naturally.

 


End file.
